From San Francisco, we next went with Marilyn Milos to the headquarters of NOCIRC, INTL. in Forest Knolls to conduct an evening workshop, "Wisdom of the Grandmothers". The evening focused on doulas, mothering the mother, and freebirth - as well as caring for babies - we were graced with the presence of one energetic toddler who delighted the grandmothers for the evening by the woodstove. These are some of my favorite moments when on Tour - to be with the results of my life work - the toddler cited above was the freeborn consequence of a consultation with his parents during gestation. They decided to opt out of the hospital medwifery system and instead give birth at home. Their son was quickly born into his father's hands and was still fast on his feet to this day!

The next morning found me in deep council with a young mother who was mourning her aborted baby. I thought of the "Conflicted Pregnancies Panel" that just convened and how she felt a cellular and soulful connection to the baby (not "fetal tissue") she terminated. Realizing that she did exactly what she was supposed to at that time, and that her decision was under the influence of cortisol (stress hormones), there was no blame. However knowing what she knows now, her devotion to fertility awareness has dramatically increased.

My eldest daughter Loi drove us from Marin County to her Santa Rosa for a cuppa and soy latte while we awaited her twin sisters arrival home. Briefly we all had a wonderful reunion with Wynn, Loi's now 8 ½ year old daughter, as we set off for Lake County.

Harbin Hot Springs was our destination and the weather lent a spectacular background for the long drive through the rainstorm. Our driver was one of Hygieia's favorite students Laura Stalker -- who brought along her adorable tow-headed toddler-- recovering from pneumonia (and yes, still coughing). My youngest daughter put in earplugs and went to sleep as I did my best to entertain the little boy in his rear car seat from mine as a passenger in the front. When we arrived at Harbin, the storm was raging. We got fairly chilled getting to our little, cold room. We said goodbye to Laura and son and went to get the heat turned up and more blankets (another long walk through the blowing rain).

That night we both felt under the weather yet it was to be the workshop on "Natural Healing for Families" in Middletown. So we bundled up and arrived in the home of Amalin, a global midwife and mother of 2 vitalizing boys who reminded me of sperm, throwing themselves at anything with a round shape or curve yet managing to bump into one another or the walls most of the time. It was in the living room that we eventually crammed dozens of folks, some of whom had traveled from far away, for the evening workshop. The room got so hot that a mother of twins stripped, with a scanty apology to match her topless gesture. Wow, California.

Here was my tribe - all ages represented - grandfathers and grandmothers, parents, teens, children and babies. How I wished that this workshop was taped or recorded in some way to share with others beyond that Middletown living room. Hygieia had Her way with us as distilled word tincture was applied, punctuated by the sounds of families celebrating a gnosis reclaimed. A lot of healing ground was covered yet my favorite moment was when during a teaching story, the mother burst into tears. She expanded her role as mother to protect her children from a foreign culture. The incident was alleged child abuse - her son had "abused" a younger friend. As she didn't see it this way, nor do most children, was moot as the consequences were already unfolding. Now she accepted her responsibility beyond defensive guilt. It was a transformational moment for us all to witness her resolve to wizen up and protect her children in the world she chooses to live.

Back to Harbin Hot Springs -- it is a grand reunion as in the dining room I meet old friends and make new ones to share the details of what is happening to Nan Koehler, beloved midwife of Sonoma County. I was on Tour to fund raise for her legal defense and took many opportunities to let her friends and families know that she still needs help. (See the Six Direction News for ways to help Nan.) From the most excellent and mostly organic dining room we eventually did make it to the baths. However it was freezing cold, still intermittently raining, and though the healing water of Harbin was worth the chill, we later regretted that time in the baths. But I get ahead of myself.

The afternoon brought together residents of Harbin Hot Springs as well as the community beyond for "Word Medicine". Iona Simms, midwife and resident of Harbin, had arranged the Lake County events for us, though she had an infant (who also was recovering from pneumonia). It was just before this presentation as I attempted a shoulder stand in the Yoga Room, that I realized that I was falling ill. The workshop nevertheless went on. From the feedback received, it went (surprisingly) quite well.

The late afternoon I gave a family astrology reading to Iona as she simultaneously did her best to care for her sick baby. I had another consultation booked after this one yet as a huge thunderstorm had begun again, the woman who booked the consultation instead chose to drive us back to my daughters' home in Santa Rosa rather than delay the trip even one hour longer. We had no idea that it would be the spectacular and peculiar journey it was.

It began with not being able to find my daybook, with the phone number for the twins. I needed to ring them and let them know that the road conditions would delay our arrival. Yet my daybook was missing! We searched all over Harbin to eventually find it packed away with the flyers that were last displayed during the workshop. (Long story involving over zealously helpful, if forgetful teenagers.) Meanwhile, we got soaked despite flashlights, umbrellas, and rain gear trying to locate it. Once we did, I called my twins and put the driver on the phone to get directions. I should have been alerted when she declined to use a pen and paper to write down directions.

When she hung up, the driver said that she was a "non-linear driver". Meaning that she got "pictures" in her mind rather than rely on such things as street names or which way to turn. We all got in the car and as it was a rental car (I'll get to that later), the driver didn't know how to see behind her as we avoided backing into the wash. It was dark, there was no clearly marked driveway, and the lightning was fierce so it seemed like a miracle to finally get on a paved road again and be on our way. Like the backdrop to a scary movie, we actresses did our best to forge ahead into the dark night.

Somehow we did make it through the residents' trailer park at Harbin onto the highway. Soon as we drove down the mountain, the driver who had been chatting away a mile a minute, suddenly commanded us to hold silence. My daughter and I were stunned - and silent. We did remain mute for a long stretch of the road until she told us why she had asked us to be quiet. That part of the road was where she had totaled her own car just last week and she was extra careful when driving through the accident scene. It brought back horrible memories.

Recall that the driver was also the woman who wanted the consultation? She got one anyway: It happened as she was driving. And it happened quickly as at first she was just story telling but then the next minute she was crying so hard that we were swerving on the slick mountain road. Being a Gemini, she talked with her hands, both hands, already while driving so weeping did not make her a more capable driver. I asked if she would pull over to the side of the road but she declined, pulled herself together, and then investigated her feelings.

What came through for the next hour was exactly what I needed to hear. It was as if she was myself just a moon ago - an earlier time so near to my soul that indeed her story was mine. The details were different and yet the theme was the same. We did inspired work together in the rental car. By this time we had been stopped in a long line of vehicles wondering what happened ahead to delay us all. Stuck in the thunderstorm, what other choice did we have? We explored the mysteries of love.

It was close to an hour when traffic began to move again. There had been an accident and much of the debris was cleared away from this narrow 2-lane road. Visibility was so low that the curious couldn't see much of the accident anyway. At the first pay phone down the mountain, I called my daughters who were peeking out of the window waiting our arrival and relieved that we had told them it'd be another half hour or so. That was worth getting rain soaked again. They were so happy that we were merely delayed by traffic and weather and still coming.

However, I hadn't factored into the equation that our driver was "non linear". Once we were in Santa Rosa, of course, we got miserably lost. Despite another few phone calls for directions, we still took another hour or more to finally arrive. (Seems that my daughters are "non-linear" direction givers, too.) By then the best I could do upon arrival was essentially collapse.

There were three more events I had promised to do and so I tended to the commitments in between my own health needs. "The Lap of the Goddess: Lost Pregnancies" Workshop was held in my twins' home to make it easier for me to show up and get back to bed early. Constance Miles, wise midwife of Occidental, helped me teach it and the work was profoundly moving. Experiences brought up for healing from two peri-menopausal women ranged from having had one abortion decades ago to one woman having 14 abortions over 30 years of fertility. Depression as soul making was explored -- as well as inward skills to resolve past pregnancy losses, including stillbirth and cesarean surgery.

The last day of the Tour, Dorothea of Monte Rio drove us to Oakland for "WORD MEDICINE FOR BIRTHKEEPERS: The Spiritual Language of Mothers". Here was another time that I had wished the talk had been recorded. Dorothea, sacred scribe that she is, did take abundant quotes during my talk. Yoga Studio 1 was filled with pregnant yoginis, mothers with infants and toddlers, doctors and educators, and beautiful Cynthea Denise who had generously shared her class with me and arranged the event. A high point was meeting my exquisite Hygieia student from Malaysia (via Australia) Nisha, her gorgeous son, and radiant sister.

From Oakland we returned to Sonoma County for the Benefit for Nan Koehler next door to the Goddess Festival in Sebastopol. The Benefit had wonderful choir and acoustic music and after I spoke (Word Medicine: THE YONI SPEAKS), we were blessed by the Milk Baba's discourse on Karma and his spiritual music. Yummy food and gifts were donated to raise money for Nan's Legal Defense Fund. (Again please see the Six Directions pages on Freestone's website for more information and how to donate.) That was the last event.

My youngest daughter and I then returned home from the last TOUR of the year with the flu. Recall that I fell ill during the only 36 hours not booked of a jam-packed workshop schedule while at Cheyenne and Oceana's (my twin daughters) home. They took care of me as beautifully as they could - I hadn't been sick since the eve of Y2K with the flu and I was quite rusty in how to be a patient. However, I was patient with myself as I deeply processed my pain and cried for a day and a half.

The "respiratory" pain allowed me to go deep into grief. I mourned the season's turn of events for here is the breaking (heart) news. For those who don't already know, I am prompted to share with you that Rico and I have separated.

My husband of 25 years last August declared that he was done supporting our family. I have been working even harder than ever to make ends meet all autumn and now into the winter. Our youngest children (Quinn, too) live with me here in Joseph and I continue to homeschool them - I adore this arrangement yet like most single mothers, find it a supreme challenge. During the moons that followed since August 2003, I kept my heart open to Rico and did a lot of therapy of my own. This isn't the first time my husband has decided to "separate" from me - indeed, for a quarter of a century I have learned a great deal about how to stay married when there is ambivalence about commitment. As Rico says, we had a successful marriage for 25 years.

The healing crisis came even before the flu brought my resolution into my bones. At the APPPAH Congresses, for 20 years I have been present for my friends / colleagues as they cried on my shoulder. This most recent last time I got to process my partnership and release many a story that no longer served. As my friends are also world-class psychologists and midwives, the clarity gained from sharing what was happening in my marriage was invaluable.

So here it is - 2004 will be the beginning of a new journey for me. My health (post-flu) and energy level has never been better. I have my appetite back. I feel grateful for 25 years of partnercraft and have no regrets - how could I? Just being with our gorgeous children brings out a heap of suns in my soul and I am now beaming this light to all our relations.

I now feel a strong prompting to be as open as I can about the process. Up until this time, I wasn't quite sure that our separation would continue as Rico has left several times before. I also haven't disclosed until now, as I've been (as my twins say) way too thin-skinned. My vulnerability had been so intense that I didn't even feel that I had an ectoderm. Any show of compassion went straight into my body, into my vital organs - as well as any unkindness -- and I would weep my way through the day. I understand Inanna like never before -- for I have met the Queen of Death Giving Birth and She is within me.

I have come back to the center of the circle - beyond "Will we stay married or won't we" (YES or NO) and inspired to devote my energies to YOU on behalf of Hygieia. After all these many years, I still love my calling with a passion and feel blessed to have you in my life.